Date: Wed, 9 Nov 2005 12:06:34 -0800 (PST)
From: Richard Mark <andygaywriter@yahoo.com>
Subject: In Pain : In Pain Chapter 6

WARNING!  To qualify to read this story, you must be of
legal age and allowed by the jurisdiction or jurisdictions
that govern you to read sexually explicit homosexual
material.  If you do not qualify, you must exit and seek
other material.  You have been warned.  Thank you for
cooperating and being fair to others.

All persons, names, places, descriptions, and events are
purely fictional.  Any resemblance to actual persons, names,
places, descriptions, or events is totally accidental and a
pure coincidence.

This is a love story and at this time, limited sexual
activity, but that will change with time.

This story is the sole creation of its author and thus he
retains full publication rights.  Please email me to post it
on a site other than Nifty.  Email me at:
andygaywriter@yahoo.com.  Thanks!  You can also join my
Yahoo Group which has just started by going to
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16

Chapter 6 : "lonely & seeking luv"

Well, I was on my way to the office for the first time in my
life.  Well, I had gone for good things, but never this.

It was only me walking down, I guess since I was the one to
start the fight.  Not even Kevin.  I walked into the office
and Associate Principal Jones was waiting.

"Andy, want to go to my office?"

Hmmm, did I have a choice?  "I'd rather not.  Can I just go
back to class?"

"Why don't you just come and sit down and we'll talk over
it, okay?"

I slowly walked into his office and sat down at his table
and waited for what was going to happen.  Meanwhile the bell
rang and I waited.

"So, what happened in class Andy?"

Here was my chance.  I could just open up and tell Mr. Jones
and let it all out and then I could be free.

"I'm sorry.  I just snapped for some reason."

"What made you snap?"

"My classmates made some stupid comments and I guess I
thought they were just really wrong.  I shouldn't have done
it at all."

"What did they say, Andy?"

What was this guy getting at?  I really wanted to get out
this office.

"Kevin called me a fag."

"Oh."

Was this it?  Was that all he was going to say?  No way was
it going to be this easy.

"So, am I going to be in trouble?"

"Andy, you're a good kid and you've never been in trouble.
So, from the office, no.  Not yet.  Just don't let it happen
again.  But, I have to tell your coach.  He can still punish
you.  Also, I have to call your parents and let them know
what happened."

"Okay, that's fair," I said dejectedly.

Mr. Jones stood up and I followed.  "Andy," he said handing
me a business card, "if you ever need to talk to someone,
he's someone I know that will listen and not judge you."

I shyly took the card from his hand and without looking at
it, shoved it into my pocket.  There was no way I was even
going to look at it.  I quickly walked out of his office and
into the lobby and straight out the door.  Kole was waiting
for me there.

"Dude, everything okay?"

"Yeah, but coach will know and so will my parents," I said
almost walking right past him.  I was already going to be
late for my next class.

The day went on and news spread pretty quick about the
`fight' I had been in.  People kept coming up to me and
asking me about it.  Sometimes, I just wished I wouldn't be
the quarterback; then no one would care.  No one would even
notice me and I could just live.

Classes finally ended and it was football practice time.  I
was pretty nervous for it, but not as much as about what
would happen when I would get home.  My dad would be pissed
for sure.

I started getting dressed and coach never talked to me.
That was until we all made it out to the field and as we
were starting our running drills and coach called me over.

"Andy, the office said you got into a fight today?"

"I wouldn't call it a fight, I kinda jumped onto someone
when they said something they shouldn't have.  I know I made
a mistake, but it wasn't bad at all.  I didn't hit him or
anything."

"That's what Mr. Jones said but you know I have to suspend
you right?  If I let you do it, everyone will.  It kills me
son, but I have to do it.  I already called your dad to let
him know.  You will practice with the second team this week
and you won't suit up on Friday."

"I understand coach.  I'm sorry I let the team down."  With
that, I jogged back to the team and continued with our
practice.  It was weird not being with the first team, but I
had made a mistake and I needed to pay for it.

All the guys knew what had happened.  For the first half of
practice I was just going through the motions.  Then I
realized something: I can have fun and not worry about
winning.

For the rest of practice I was a whole new quarterback.  I
no longer had to worry about being perfect, but I still
tried.  I just went out and had fun with every snap.  I was
smiling and laughing.  The pain of the last few weeks was
going away - if only for these few hours, I was free and
having fun.  I had to find a way to make sure I could keep
this feeling.

But then the final whistle blew and I knew my honeymoon was
over.  I slowly pulled up to my house, knowing full well
that two things could happen:

First, it could be a civil conversation (not likely).

Or it could be an all out battle between me and my father.
I was betting on the latter.

I grabbed my backpack from the trunk and walked through the
garage and into the kitchen.  My mom was making dinner, like
usual.

"Hey honey," she said looking up from the pot of boiling
water with spaghetti bouncing around.  It was my favorite
meal and she knew it.

I never stopped walking, "Hey mom."

I wasn't sure where dad was but I knew he was home.his truck
was in the garage.  I got to the stairs and Mike was waiting
there for me.  I could see it in his eyes.I knew.

He just put his hand out and I grabbed it for a second and
he squeezed back.  "Thanks," was all I could say.

I made it to my door which was standing wide open and my dad
was standing - looking out the window.  I tossed my bag next
to my desk and just stood there; waiting for what I knew was
coming.  I was pretty scared.  My dad and I had always
gotten along, but I had never gotten into trouble before.  I
had always been his perfect little boy.  Until today.

"What the hell happened today, Andrew?" my dad bellowed.

"I made a mistake dad, but" I started but he interrupted.

"Oh no!  There are no buts to this conversation!  You got
into a fight Andrew!"

"Dad, it was hardly a fight, I just jumped on Kevin."  I was
already getting pretty red in the face.

"Andrew - don't even try to tell me what happened.  I've
never been more disappointed in you in all my life.  And on
top of it all, you get yourself suspended from the team!
What the hell would have possessed you to even get into a
situation like that?"

"Dad, you don't understand.  Kevin was being an ass and I
couldn't listen to him any longer."

"I don't care if your worst enemy was being an ass, it
doesn't give you the right to do anything you did today!"

What possessed me to say the next sentence I'll never know.
"Why don't you even listen to me?!?" I yelled.  "I'm telling
you that I stood up for something I believe in; can't you
even respect me for that?"

My dad quickly spun around, startling me.  "Respect you for
what?!  Standing up for fags?  Jesus Andy, what the hell is
going on?!"

"God damnit!  Why the fuck do I even try with you?  I can't
win."  Yeah, I crossed the line there and I knew it.

His hand came so fast, I never even saw it coming.  It
wasn't a fist; it was an open hand that I'm sure the whole
neighborhood could hear as his big palm landed on my face.
Once he did it, I could see the shock in his own face and he
could see the pain on mine.

He walked around me and slowly closed the door.  I just
stood there - in shock.  For the first time in my life, my
dad had hit me.  I didn't shed one tear.  Not for him.  Not
anymore.  I knew the truth and I was longer afraid of what
would happen when they found out I was gay.  I knew.

I got online and checked my email and finally had a reply
from my gay hockey player!


From: G8tONE@hockey-zone.com
Subject: Re: We won the game!

Hey man!  Good to hear from you.  We just started our hockey
practices so I've been dead tired lately.  But, I'll get
used to it and won't bore you with that until I talk to you
about your situation!!!  First, congrats on the win!  How
has the team done since?  I'm sure with you at the helm;
you're looking at the championship for sure!

But anyway - onto your `mistake.'  I hope it went okay.
I've been thinking about you since you sent the email.  I
only wish I had gotten back sooner.  If you need to talk,
call me, k?  Or you can IM me anytime or send me an email.
I promise I will get back right away next time.  Really -
I'm serious.  If you ever need to talk, I will be here for
you.  I know what you're going through.  Remember, I've only
been out for about a year and know the feelings you have.

Well, I've rambled enough for now.  Take care stud and I
hope to hear from you soon!

<3 Charles


Wow - it felt great to get a reply back and now I think I
have a new friend.  And a gay one!  I immediately hit the
`reply' button.

To: G8tONE@hockey-zone.com
Subject: I'm still alive, sort of

Okay, so it's not as bad at the subject line makes it out to
be.  I have been suspended from the football team.  But
Neal, the guy I accidentally came out to was okay with it.
I actually want to talk to him more, but football season is
heating up, so I'll wait until it calms down a bit.

Football had been going well until today.  In one of my
classes we started talking about students being gay and a
classmate and old friend of mine, Kevin made a comment that
sent me over the edge.  I kinda jumped on top of him but my
best friend pulled me off of him before I could get myself
into a lot of trouble.  The coach still suspended me for a
week and my dad just yelled at me pretty bad.  He even hit
me for the first time.  I'm so tired of lying to them, but
now I know how my dad will react.   So, not going to happen
anytime soon.  Who would want their all-American son to be a
fag?  Damnit.  I hate that word.  How do you even get out of
bed in the morning?

Um, is there anything else?  Oh, when I told Neal, Kole (my
best friend who knows I'm gay) came over and helped me calm
down and to clear my head, well, he fell asleep and as I was
putting the covers over him, for the first time, I looked at
him in a loving way.  It was weird and wrong and I wish I
hadn't done it, but I realized how much he means to me and
that I would - wow - this is the first time I've even
thought this, but I would love to spend the rest of my life
with him.  Wow, I should stop.

But, I think that about covers my fucked up life for this
week.  Thanks for writing back.  It's nice to have a friend
who understands what I'm going through and I hope we can
continue.

Thanks,

Andy


I kept bumming around online until it was safe for me to
come out of my room; not the closet.  Hehe.  Then Kole IMed
me.

Wideopen87: So, how you doing bro?

Express958: ish

Wideopen87: That good huh?  I'm sorry about what happened
man, you just snapped.

Express958: Yeah, I know.  I'm sorry I did this to the team.
You know what the worst part is though?

Wideopen87: That Fred has to be our quarterback now?

Express958: No-but that is pretty bad.  It's the fact that
during practice today, I enjoyed being with the other guys.
I liked it.

Wideopen87: oh

Express958: Also, I got home and my dad flipped out.  Bro,
he hit me.

Wideopen87: wtf?!?!

Express958: Yeah.  Idk what to say man.

Wideopen87: Are you okay?  Do you want me to do something?

Express958: do what bro?  Make things worse?  He doesn't
know I'm gay yet, that's when I'll need you.

Wideopen87: You know I'm always here for you - night and
day.  I'm not losing my best friend-EVER!

Express958: Dude, that means the world to me.  Thanks a ton!

Wideopen87: Not to change the subject but I have to go soon,
but I asked Bridgett to homecoming tonight and she said yes!

Express958: YEA!  Congrats man.  You guys will have so much
fun!

Wideopen87: Yeah, she seemed pretty excited.  What are you
going to do?

Express958: shit, I hadn't even thought about that.  Really.
What should I do?

Wideopen87: Lets talk at lunch tomorrow and get a plan for
you, k man?

Express958: K, sounds good.  Thanks again man.  I don't know
what I'd do without you.

Wideopen87: you'll never have to know.

---And with that, the conversation was over and I again was
left with my crazy ass dad who apparently would never love
the true me.  So, I did the only thing I could think of.  I
went to try and find true love.

I went to a site I had recently been frequenting and decided
it was time to post a profile for myself.  If nothing else,
I would make some friends.

Username: ExpressQB958
Headline: lonely & seeking luv

Profile: well, I've never done this before, but here goes;
I'm 16, a sophomore in high school and not out.  Well, my
best friend and an acquaintance know now.  It feels good but
I just want to be happy.  I'm the varsity quarterback and
love to play.  I'm 5-11 and 160 with brown eyes and wavy
hair.  I'm looking for friends and maybe more one day.  If
you're interested please send me an email, I want to hear
from you!

Summary: This chapter was a little laid back from the
previous ones.  His life can't be crazy all the time.
However, Andy is still slowly dealing with some of his major
issues: temper, football, feelings for Kole and now his
father.  Joining that list is homecoming for a gay jock.
Should be interesting to see how he handles this.  He is
starting to come to grips with the profile.  Where does he
go from here?  When does his dad find out?  Who does he take
to homecoming?  And will anyone reply to his profile?
Personal Note: Some of you know that I'm still note out to a
lot of people.  That is very slowly changing.  I want to
thank those that helped me last week prepare to tell my best
friend.  It went so well, I can't even put it into words.
By no means am I telling you to go out and tell your best
friends.  That is a choice only you can make.  But for me,
it was time.  To summarize how it went, after I told him how
hard it was going to me and me shaking, he told me he
thought he knew what I was going to say and that it would be
okay.  That calmed me down enough to give him the letter I
had written.  Then he just held my hand until I stopped
shaking and he gave me the best hug I will ever get.  Then
we talked about everything, so now he has a much better
understanding of me and me of him.  I want to say thanks to
him, even though he doesn't read this story, but ADJ, you're
my hero and always will be.  It's been my honor to know you
for the last four years and hopefully for the rest of our
lives.  I wish you only happiness for the rest of our days.
I thank you for being the best friend and person anyone
could ask for.  I know and believe that you said, "this
makes us closer friends."  Bro, I love you and always will.
Thanks.
Feel free to email me at andygaywriter@yahoo.com and I'm
doing my best to reply as quickly as I can.but know that I
do read EVERY email that is sent to me and I take them all
to heart.  I love you guys!

You can also join my Yahoo Group which has just started by
going to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andygaywriter16